Boundaries & Cut Offs
In polarizing times, it's tempting to burn bridges
It is heroic work, trying to build community in this age. A sanctuary is like a roomful of raw nerves. Trauma — personal, collective, generational, vicarious, and complex — has our nervous systems scanning for any hint of threat. And our nervous systems are very, very good at detecting those “hints.” Between that and the polarizing rhetoric everywhere, our emotions are intensified and conversations and decisions are imbued with a sense of urgency and high stakes.
Is it any wonder we’re hearing about a rise in social and family cutoffs? Social cutoffs: in which people find one another’s perspectives or choices so upsetting, or become so outraged by them, that they stop engaging altogether. (Or they stop engaging directly, and turn to public shaming instead.) Family cutoffs: as in going “no contact,” an idea that is celebrated on social media as self-care, though it is known to have negative long term impacts on mental and generational health. Even in cases of abuse, when a family cut off may be necessary to prevent further harm, it is painful. It represents a loss of what we would rather experience with each other, which is repair and wholeness.
What we want most is relationships we can handle. What we want most is to relate.
One of the reasons this era is so painful is that it goes against our deepest longings as human beings.
This polarization-separation dynamic takes place in our congregations, too. We see it when:
Public letters become litmus tests, with members of the community judging their leaders’ respectability based on whether they signed, or which one. If the leader fails the test, members consider leaving or threaten to do so.
A minister or rabbi who cares deeply about justice finds herself in the crosshairs of an outraged social justice council that feels she has not done enough or that she differs from them in ways the council finds intolerable.
A Healthy Community Committee discovers that, despite their best efforts to facilitate healthy conflict, the congregation member who squared off against the board about the children’s area in the sanctuary has made her position a matter of moral principle, and she and her friends are now resigning their membership.
Faith and secular leaders who were once allies put out statements condemning each other’s morality in stark terms, rather than seeking understanding or expressing feelings directly to one another.
Even though it may feel like cutoffs are a default strategy these days, I believe that emotionally they are still a last resort for most people.
It’s just that when we humans are rattled and upset it’s hard to remember, or think of, what else we might do.
Besides instances of ongoing harm, in which a cut off may be necessary for safety, what else triggers them?
Feeling helpless. When distressing social or global issues are too large for us to have a measurable impact, we need ways to channel our desire to act. We also need to process our pain. Unfortunately, this sometimes takes the form of picking a fight with someone who is more accessible than, say, a political leader. A fight turns those painful feelings into anger. For most people, anger is more comfortable than feelings of powerlessness and grief.
Sometimes people get the idea that continuing to relate with someone they disagree with is the same as normalizing or approving of that person’s behavior or views. But that need not be the case. It is possible to relate to someone as a fellow community member, family member, neighbor, or leader while keeping your cool and being clear about your beliefs and what you are willing to do or not do. In therapy, this is called self differentiation. It is even possible and healthy to have empathy for someone, in the sense of understanding the values and experiences that underlie their beliefs and actions, without agreeing with them.
Discomfort or tension in a relationship that exceeds our ability to cope. Conflict — which can be defined as the presence of two or more perspectives — is often uncomfortable. And people have less tolerance these days for discomfort in relationships. I don’t mean that we are “intolerant” in the willful sense. I mean that for a lot of people, some or most of time, our inner resources are strained to the point of having a hard time coping. I think this is how cutoffs became “self care.” I empathize.
As a therapist and coach, I help people have more constructive dialogue. I could write all day about that. I believe in it. But when we don’t have the inner reserves to engage in an uncomfortable relationship, there’s another tool we can use instead of cutoffs: good old-fashioned boundaries.
What is the difference between a boundary and a cut off? Here’s a refresher for the distressed and weary.
A boundary sounds like: “This has become too painful for me. I need some space.”
A cut off sounds like: “I cannot be in relationship with someone who believes (or identifies) as you do.”
Boundary: “I don’t want to talk about X anymore. Let’s focus on other things.”
Cut off: “I don’t want to speak with you anymore.”
Boundary: “I’m not comfortable participating in X.”
Cut off: “Don’t contact me again.”
Boundaries: can be reinforced if crossed, for example by ending a conversation that becomes disrespectful, choosing to be in contact less often, or delineating a period of separation
Cut offs: final separation with no intent to reunite
Boundaries: can be relaxed if/when you feel ready
Cut offs: harder to reestablish connection later on (it may feel like the bridges are burned)
Boundaries: give you protection or the ability to moderate discomfort within a relationship (and in this way, boundaries protect the relationship, too)
Cut offs: end a relationship
Not all conflicts can be resolved. But choosing boundaries instead of a cut off leaves room for possibility that things might shift, protects us from the grief of yet another hole in the fabric of family and community, and still honors our need to be clear about our values and limits.
Do you know that in addition to working as a therapist in New Mexico, I offer clergy coaching? If you could use some support at the intersection of person + vocation, or navigating leadership challenges, let’s talk: www.korencounseling.com/clergy-coaching, or send me a message.
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