Excessive Talkers
Why some people exhaust others with their talking
“I think Angela avoids me during coffee hour,” a parishioner told my colleague one day. When the colleague reported it back to me during our weekly meeting, it gave me pause. I pictured this parishioner making eye contact with me from across the social hall. I felt my stomach tighten and my shoulders tense up. “It’s true,” I acknowledged. “I do avoid that person.”
The parishioner was an excessive talker. They’d approach me in the crowd, start to tell me about something from the news or some plan they were cooking up, and then… somehow… speak in an endless stream of thoughts that linked from one to another. They gesticulated and made continuous eye contact the whole time, increasing in volume and speed if it seemed like they might be interrupted before they could just finish this one thought, which was linked to another, and another. They moved between topics in a verbalized livestream of what Buddhism calls “monkey mind.” In monkey mind, the mind swings from one thought to another like a monkey swinging from vine to vine.
You know the type. You no doubt know other excessive talkers, too. Such as:
The Over-Explainer: they know a lot about something, and they’re giving you a full download, regardless of whether you already have knowledge of your own
The Opinionator: they have feelings about a topic and seem utterly unaware that others might not want or need to hear about it at length, or might also want to speak
The Story Teller: it has been five minutes (only five minutes?!) since they started telling a story and it’s never, ever going to end
Encounters with excessive talkers are stressful and exhausting, even though on the surface it’s just... words. Why is this kind of talking so uncomfortable?
The FX series What We Do in the Shadows hilariously nailed it with the character of Colin Robinson. In a house full of traditional vampires, Robinson is the sole “energy vampire.” Instead of blood, he drains the emotional energy of others- including his housemates- by trapping them in conversations that waste their time or cause intense feelings of boredom, irritation, or awkwardness until they are depleted. Or nearly dead.
In congregations, excessive talkers may make otherwise happy first time visitors decide that it’s not worth it to return to your services if it means they might get cornered by that person again. It’s just too draining and awkward! They also threaten to derail committee and team meetings, wearing out their fellow volunteers. In fact, in the CIA’s declassified Simple Sabotage Field Manual, section 11 (“General Interference with Organizations and Production”) has this bit of advice for would-be saboteurs:
“Make speeches.” Talk as frequently as possible and at great length. Illustrate your “points” by long anecdotes and accounts of personal experiences.
-CIA, Simple Sabotage Field Manual (1944), “General Interference with Organizations and Production”
“Never hesitate to make a few appropriate patriotic comments,” the text adds, so that the sabotage does not appear intentional.
Of course, in religious life it usually isn’t intentional. Most people, excessive talkers included, are looking for connection and belonging in their congregations. Most who engage repeatedly in this socially-sabotaging behavior either are unaware of their impact, or aren’t sure how to engage differently. On some level, we can all relate. Who among us has never caught themselves rambling out of nervousness, mindlessness, or over-caffeination?
From a therapist perspective, nervousness and anxiety are indeed common culprits. Heightened levels of cortisol and adrenaline put us in “go mode” while making it harder to be self aware (which is different than being self-conscious!) and focused. In turn, we may compensate by talking (and talking!) to let off steam or seek comfort through social connection.
A need or desire for attention is another driver. Attention-seeking is not necessarily indicative of self-centeredness or a lack of concern for others. It can also stem from loneliness or feelings of invisibility.
Neurodivergence is also associated with communication issues, including excessive talking, either due to difficulty reading social cues and gauging the emotional responses of others, or difficulty maintaining focus, or both.
“Pressured speech” is another kind of excessive talking, and it’s one therapists flag as a symptom worth noting because it can be associated with more serious issues. Pressured speech is rapid and often hard to follow. It is as though the person cannot talk fast enough to get their thoughts out. They jump from one idea to the next and are very difficult to interrupt. They may not allow others to stop them. They may feel they cannot stop themselves. Pressured speech is a common symptom of manic episodes (as in bipolar disorder), schizophrenia, psychosis, and the use of amphetamines or cocaine (or even caffeine, if you really go hard). While it can at times also be associated with autism, ADHD, and anxiety, its intensity (of pace, length, and flight of ideas) makes it worth paying attention to as a possible sign that extra care or a mental health intervention are in order.
So what’s a clergy person to do?
Well, hopefully you won’t noticeably avoid someone, as I did. That really was not my best moment. Instead, I wish I had been gentle but direct with the person. In my better moments, I’m able to start by noticing out loud what is happening:
“Hey, [name], can I interrupt? I notice that you’ve moved quickly from one topic to another, and I haven’t been gotten much of a word in. Sometimes that’s a sign of anxiety or distress. As a rabbi/minister/etc, I’m wondering how you are.”
Or, “I need to stop you there. I’m feeling overwhelmed. That’s more information than I can download.”
(If there isn’t much time, there’s always the classic, “I’m sorry but I have to interrupt you. I want to make sure I greet everyone in this receiving line. You’ll be in my thoughts!”)
It’s worth taking habitual excessive talkers aside, if possible, to share what you’re noticing. “There were a few times at last night’s meeting when I noticed others tried to get a word, but you continued talking. They got stressed expressions on their faces. I’ve noticed this dynamic before and I wondered if you’re aware of it.”
Although some people might get defensive or upset even when confronted in a caring way (a topic for a future post), in my experience excessive talkers are just as likely to be unsurprised by this feedback. They may laugh at themselves, or explain what is going on, or ask for help, or adjust their behavior on their own.
Others will not change at all. They may even inform you that this feedback is rich coming from a preacher.
That’s congregational life for ya.
To some extent, the presence of challenging interpersonal behavior is just part of the sacred “mess and mystery” of faith communities. If we’re doing things right, hopefully we clergy are shaping congregational cultures that have room for all of it: for loving intervention, for patience, for non-judgment, for curiosity, and for laughing at ourselves and how hard it is to simply be human together sometimes.
Did you know that in addition to working as a therapist, I offer coaching for clergy? Learn more at https://www.korencounseling.com/clergy-coaching.
You can also leave a comment or question! I’d love to hear from you.