Help Us Heal
How to address sexual trauma and abuse in worship in ways that help, not hurt.
The first few paragraphs of this post describe a worship service that was distressing for sexual assault survivors who were there. If you’d like to skip that part, scroll down to just below the picture of flowers.
Every shabbat, I attend services at one of several different Reform synagogues with my wife, who is a rabbinic student. A couple of weeks ago we found ourselves at a service that was centered around a difficult text. The Torah portion of the week included, optionally, Genesis 34:1-31. That section tells the story that inspired Anita Diamant’s imaginative, best-selling novel, The Red Tent, in which a young woman named Dinah falls in love with a prince who expresses great devotion to her but whom her brothers accuse of “defiling” her. In actuality, the scripture text gives only the men’s perspective, which makes it seem as though the prince committed a grave crime. Without Dinah’s own account, it is not clear what transpired between her and the prince. But tradition, taking her brothers’ side, has commonly referred to this story as “the rape of Dinah.”
A guest speaker gave the sermon. She represented an organization that advocates for survivors of sexual violence. Her goal, I believe, was to convey the importance of listening to survivors and to advocate especially for those whose voices are silenced. Accepting the premise that this Torah portion is about sexual assault, the speaker asked the congregation to imagine what is not written in the scripture. She described Dinah’s helplessness, her screams, her being silenced afterward. As soon as she started in on this stuff, I felt a familiar tightening in my chest. My jaw clenched. Adrenaline began to cloud my ability to listen. “If I had known the service was going to include this, I would not be here,” I thought. Her words brought up my horrible memories of sexual assault, obstetric violence (which is closely related), and the long, difficult aftermath, as well as the stories of close friends and clients who have also experienced these things. As I was processing this and thinking about what to do, another person1 abruptly got up and left the sanctuary, followed by my wife. By the time I joined them in the courtyard a few minutes later there were five of us, out of a congregation of around fifty. The sermon was only about half over.
How did the service end up causing distress for the very population it meant to support? What had gone wrong?
I have seen this before. A well-meaning minister, rabbi, or other speaker bravely tackles a tough topic, speaking frankly about it… and causes deep distress in people who came to services looking for spiritual sustenance, meaning, and comfort. It happens not only in sermons, but in prayers that include descriptions of current events, and in announcements about social justice causes. Survivors find themselves forced to hear unskillful words that conjure a traumatic memory. Then— because traumatic memories can diminish our awareness of the present moment, and the neural networks in our brains literally link memories together— listeners may experience symptoms of distress (adrenaline, tension, dissociation, even panic, as though they are reliving the event) and one memory leading to another in a terrible spiral. The experience ruins not only that service, but the listeners’ feelings of trust toward future services and the clergy.
Nobody wants that. But what are clergy supposed to do? Shouldn’t we talk about sexual assault and abuse? Don’t we have to speak about it in order to create change? Yes. It is possible to do it in a way that supports healing and strengthens your pastoral relationship with the congregation. I’ll tell you how.
How to talk about sexual assault and abuse in a way that supports survivors
When speaking on this issue, a skillful approach is defined by two things:
respecting listeners’ consent
and speaking with the most vulnerable person in the room at the front of your mind
Therapists who work with sexual assault and abuse survivors know that one of the most important healing factors lies not in some fancy therapeutic modality but in the relationship between therapist and client. Specifically, healing takes place in relationships that consistently respect the client’s boundaries and consent. Actions that push their boundaries or violate (or fail to seek) their consent have the impact of re-enacting a part of the attack or abuse. When boundaries and consent are respected, it restores dignity, agency, and the experience of safety. This is true outside of the therapy office as well. As clergy, we can actively help people heal by respecting boundaries and honoring consent. This applies in all areas, including worship. When people attend worship services, unless its their first time they generally have a sense of what to expect. They attend with some baseline consent that they’d like to participate in what the congregation offers. When you do something different that is possibly distressing, such as speaking about sexual assault and abuse, you need to take extra steps to ensure you have the consent of those present.
First, be clear about your goal. Why are you including references to this sensitive topic in your worship service? Is it to raise awareness? Invite people to take action? Confront a difficult religious text? Acknowledge a current event? Consider who your target audience is and ask yourself whether worship is the right venue. Does everyone who comes to services need to hear this message? Or is it actually geared toward a subset of the congregation? Would this be more appropriate as a presentation apart from worship? If worship is the right venue, think about what amount and kind of messaging the service needs to include. If you are preaching on the topic, that’s one thing. If it’s just an announcement or a prayer, you can probably keep the language quite vague and brief and still get the point across, which may be a lot less fraught.
Let people know what to expect. If you are preaching on the topic, let people know at least a week in advance if possible. Mention it from the bimah or pulpit and in the usual congregational communications so you can reach people who aren’t present. Share that the sermon will be about an important but difficult topic and why you feel it is important to address it in worship. Tell them that you will take great care to address it in a way that is respectful and gentle. But that you know it impacts people very personally, so you wanted them to be aware.
At the beginning of the service, give advance notice again. “Today’s sermon is about an important but difficult topic.” Say what the topic is and why it is important to include in worship as opposed to some other event. By letting people know what to expect, you are giving them the opportunity to consent or decline.
Normalize your congregants’ right to decline. Let people know that although you have prepared the message with care, if anyone feels the need to step out of the service, it’s okay to do so. Remind them that people come and go during services for various reasons, and you want everyone to take care of themselves however they need to, not just today but every week.
This is also a good time to remind people how to access pastoral care in your congregation. If you are discussing current events that may be triggering survivors outside of your services too, consider making extra support available. Recruit trusted, skillful people to serve as volunteer chaplains for the day if needed. Have a well vetted referral list ready for anyone who might benefit from a therapist.
Avoid “you” language and jarring words. When you choose your words, imagine a person in your congregation for whom this topic is devastatingly personal. Hypothetical phrases like, “When you’ve been raped…” may be intended to inspire empathy in someone who has never experienced it, but will land hard for someone who has. Instead, speak in the third person, and use gentler phrasing. “Survivors of sexual assault…”
Don’t try to get listeners to imagine assault or abuse, including by using language that “paints a picture” of it. Do not attempt to move your listeners through explicit description. Don’t invite the congregation to imagine themselves in a scene of abuse. It is too intense for those who have experienced it directly (or even indirectly). It is also not appropriate for children who may be in the room. Besides, everyone already knows all too well what sexual violence looks like due to gratuitous depictions in the media, internet, movies, etc. That’s not what they need in their spiritual community.
Be mindful of how your identity may add impact. Clergy hold symbolic power that gives our words extra weight, for the better and for the worse. There may be people in your congregation who have experienced clergy sexual abuse, for whom any reference to sex in worship is very uncomfortable. If you are a cis-gender heterosexual man, you must take even more care to ensure your words and reasoning for broaching the subject in worship are attuned to the needs of the high number of people in your congregation who have experienced sexual assault and abuse. We all have areas in which “we don’t know what we don’t know.” When it comes to this sensitive issue, men (including good, wise ones) have knowledge gaps that can be very hard for them to recognize. The knowledge gaps aren’t about information. They have to do with lived experience. Therefore, it is wise to consult others when planning a service with the goal of supporting healing and avoiding harm.
Who should you consult? Regardless of your identity, it’s a good idea to get feedback from others when planning to talk about such a sensitive issue in worship. Consult a trusted colleague, a wise member of your congregation, a knowledgeable family member or friend, or me. You are welcome to email me with questions. If you need more than a quick conversation, I invite you to schedule a clergy coaching session. I offer clergy coaching for a range of issues where “person meets vocation.”
You can learn more at www.korencounseling.com/clergy-coaching or email me at korencoaching@gmail.com.
I do not know the first individual’s story or exactly what motivated them to leave. I do know that more than one assault/abuse survivor was among the group that ended up together outside.